ROSES AND BUTTERFLIES

THE LAST LOVE LETTER

2010-02-19T03:45:00.000-08:00

In real life people change, some for the better and some for the worse. What also changes people is the situation that they’ve been. My mom always says “what don’t kill you only makes you stronger”. So me being human, everything changed. My personality, my attitude and my whole out look in life. But the more I change and grow into a young woman only one thing stays the same. Through all of these months I’ve tried to cover it up. I’ve dated numerous guys but it never seems to work out. I mean, some of these guys were amazing. But I’ve finally realized that no guy will ever be right for me after I met you. Wow! Crazy huh? I always end up comparing them to you. It’s crazy no one can ever fill that place and I know no one will ever take that place.

You hurt me more than any other guy I’ve been with but at the same time you loved me more than any guy also. I was so in love with you. I put you before myself.

That February 19th night was the hardest day of my life. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I just want to let you know that I love you. That I never even stopped loving you. Ever since the 12th day of December, the first time we kissed, the first time I looked into your beautiful eyes, and fell in love with your gorgeous smile, all the arguments, all the gossiping about other people and the never ending conversations. That day I was in cloud 9. All the sneaking and all my absences in work just to spend the night with you. All the drama, lies, hurt and the best feelings in the world. I don’t regret and I never will. They say true love never dies. Know my feelings were true.

The day has come for us to say goodbye. I knew it, but I just can’t accept it. If I only knew that Thursday night was the last time I can hug you I should have held you and never let go. The kiss, the whisper and the embrace it was the last. I always thought that our love was enough for us to lasts. It was a sad ending. It’s God’s will.

How can I forget? How can I start once again?

I cry for the memories, I cry for the pain, I cry for the times I thought I had you. It's been a while; still I can't get out of your shadow. Till this very moment I’ am still trying to pick up those pieces. I’m sorry you see my life falling apart. I know I can’t have you back and I won’t be seeing you for the rest of my life. Days have passed. This has been the longest days of my life. The most painful time in my life.

The silence of the night brings back the days we had, the time you let go of me and the day I surrendered you. Even silence reminds me of all the sorrow, the pain and my hopelessness. Let me suffer in silence. Slowly I can let you go. And I will be me once again. I will move on. You will always be a part of me.

Hear me say this one last time, I have found the essence of my life, I have discovered a world that’s beautiful because of you.

Thank you for the love and the pain, the pain that I’ll always remember. Even now, my heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow. Missing you isn't the hardest part, knowing I once had you is what breaks my heart. I'll never forget the times we once shared, and I’ll always remember how much you once cared.

I used to smile when I told people that you were mine. But now, I can't even smile and say your name at the same time. As much as I love you, I have to say goodbye. Because I know it would be happier if I let you go.

My friends tell me to let go, or at least try to try, but what do I do when I start to cry? My head rest on my pillow, I let the tears flow and ask myself, why can't I let go? I know I have said goodbye so many times before, but all roads lead me back to you. But now, as I say goodbye, I have this feeling that I will never see you again. Honestly, I don't want to cross you path in the future, cause I don't want all these feelings to come back and hurt me once again. Just turn your head when you see me, I will understand. One day, I will be able to look you in the eye without feeling the pain. I will be able to stand next to you without wanting to hold your hand. Happiness is too far for us now. But even if it's near, I know it will be hard for us to get there.

I know I can't let go of my feelings, but, I have to let you go. Sorry, it took me this long to let you go. I still love you, and I probably will love you for a very long time. But somehow I know, I have to move on and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to be not around you anymore.. Like what they say, we can't forget someone we loved, we may want to, but we can't. Love cannot be forgotten, no matter how hard we try, and how much we think it will ease the pain. It will always be there, forever.

My love, my misery.. I’ am letting go you now. It’s time to set myself free. This is the hardest thing I will do because I still love you. And this love, this is all I have.

The Art of Letting Go

2009-12-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

It's over he's gone..

Why do we have to part when the love is till there? Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to cry when someone bids goodbye? Why do beginnings have an end? Why do we have to meet only to lose in the end?There are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love unexpressed, and promises left unfulfilled.

In a relationship, one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go. It is hard as breaking a crystal because you'll never know when you will be able to pick up the pieces again. More often than not they who so feel not the pain of parting, it is they who stay behind that suffer because they are left with memories of a one-loved that was meant to be, a love that was.

At the beginning and in the end of a relationship, we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone. Unfair as it is, but it seems that's the way love goes. After all, nothing is constant but change. Everything will eventually come to it's end and without us knowing when, how and why. And we must forget not because we want to but we have to.

In letting go, sorrow come not as a single spy but a battalion. It seems that everywhere you are, everything you do, every song you hear, every turn of your head, every move of your body, every beat of your heart, every blink of your eye, and every breath you take always reminds me of you. It stabs like a knife, a torture in the knight.

Funny how the world becomes depopulated when only one person is missing. Just imagine there are billion of people on earth and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other.

I don't know if it is worth calling an art, but letting go entailss special skills, sparkle with a considerable space and time. Time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part. Acceptances always plays an important role. Not all wishes come true, not all stories end with "and they live happily ever after".

Sometimes, we have to part because of the circumstances beyond our control. We have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others. We have to cry temporarily to let go of the pain. Everything has it's end, like every dawn has it's dusk. it's something we can't control, something we have to live to.

It's over he's gone, but life has to go on. Goodbye doesn't always mean forever. There will always be a place and time when questions will be answered, words will be spoken, a place to go, letters will be read, poems will be recited in the night, songs will be sung in harmony, love will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fulfilled somewhere.. somehow.. someday..

:( iloveyou!

GOODBYE TAMBAY WORLD!! HELLO REALITY!!

2009-09-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

A few days after the the result of the board exam was released I decided to apply to different hospitals as a volunteer nurse (you can't find a hospital where you will be hired as a staff nurse automatically..You have to undergo voluntary work first.. Not unless you have a very backer!) . :)

Luckily I was given a return call form the MetroLipa Medical Center.. . I've undergone several examinations and interviews, thank God i passed. :) I' am glad because it would be my first job as a registered nurse. A bit nervous, but as they say mild anxiety keeps you alert.. :)

Tomorrow would be my big day, i will be working as a registered nurse. No more clinical instructor to supervise me, no more group mate to ask help to.. Only me and myself alone.. :)

Till here.. I have to fix my things and be ready for tomorrow.. :)

RN, FINALLY!! :)

2009-08-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

After two months of hard work, long hours of staying up late I finally made. I’ am now a full-pledged nurse.

I was not ready yet to take the board because I knew that I lack the knowledge and I would just fail the examination. After I graduated I made a promise to myself that I would devote my time in reviewing for the upcoming nursing licensure examination which would be my golden ticket to the “nursing profession”. I would do whatever it takes to pass the very nerve-wrecking licensure examination and I did HYACYNTH KIMBERLY B. RENTOSA, RN. Thank God I made it!!

I' am very thank to all the people who gave me their prayers and support all throughout the review and waiting period. My outmost gratitude.. :) MARAMING SALAMAT PO!! Without you I would not have made it.. :) I won't be brave enough to face my fear and pressure that this licensure exam had given me.. :)

THE RETURN OF THE COMEBACK, GRADUATION!

2009-02-13T20:47:00.000-08:00

IM BACK!! :-)

Ahahahayy.. It took me quite some time to compose another blog entry.. What can i say? I've been very busy with my studies.. I'am proud to say that I have accomplished something, something that means everthing to me.. One month to go and I will be graduating in my degree Bachelor of Science in Nursing and hopefully will passed the local board exam and be a Certified Registered Nurse.. Cheers! My presence in BSU will be soon forgotten and the people whom I tried to help in different ways will eventually forget me.. It's a sad irony manifested by human frailty.. Huhuh! College life has been and will always be memorable to me. I learned a lot new of things during my stay in BSU..

Okay I bet you had enough with my emotions. Heheh!
Im running out of words! Catch you next time.. Heheh!!

PS. Check out this band FESTEENS.. Their my friends and they are really special to me.. Check them out satisfaction guaranteed!! hehe!!

www.friendster.com/festeens

ADMU VS. DLSU, JAI REYES, MIDTERMS!

2008-09-08T04:18:00.000-07:00

What can I say? My weekend started with a blast! The most awaited the game was very crucial. Both teams played very well but in the end it was the Blue Eagles who brought home the bacon! I' am very avid fan of the ATENEO BLUE EAGLES. The ADMU-DLSU game was over! The Blue Eagles won over the Green Archers!! Yey! As I watch the game I almost fell from my chair because y happy for them because I know that it meant everything to them. It was not a non-bearing game it was a matter of pride. DLSU and ADMU as we all know we arch rivals eversince not only in terms of sports but also in academics. I hope this year Ateneo will win the UAAP championship.

As soon as the game was finished i opened my computer and visited the friendster accounts of some of the Ateneo ballers and one of the is Jai Reyes (Jersey #5). I congratulated each and everyone of them and told them how i happy I' am that they had won the game. I didn't except anyone of them to comment me back but it was really a big surprise. Jai Reyes sent me back a comment thanking me for the support I gave to their them. I was really overwhelmed! "Si Jai Reyes kaya un! Kahit 2 sentence lang yung comment niya sobrang naappreciate ko yun!"

A recognition coming from an Ateneo baller?.. A big wow! Until now I can't believe that he actually sent me back a comment! Thank you very much Jai Reyes! I'll continue praying for you victory!!

As I have said earlier my weekend started with a blast! I was talking to Rochellyn when Laurice approached me and said congratulations and immediately asked her why. She told me that I was included in the Top 5 Highest in the Medical-Surgical Exam. I immediately asked Rochellyn to accompany me to the bullletin board to see the result of the midterms. The results were posted very clear #2 Hyacynth Kimberly Rentosa 95%! Wow! God gave me more than what I asked for. After the midterms I told myself that if I have a 75% grade I would be very happy because the exam was very difficult and I wasn't sure of my answers. I never regret believing in God because he never failed me. He would always answer my prayers.

My blessing kept pouring and I will never get tired thanking God for everything! Never loose faith in God because he will never fail you!

God bless everyone!

Long Wait is Over!

2008-09-04T02:14:00.000-07:00

"Sa wakas last day na!!" this words kept lingering in my mind.. The long duty week was over! I' am very excited to go home. I really missed home!

Our last day in the Operating room was very fulfilling. All of us was able to complete our major cases! Lucky me, I' am already complete with my minor and majors cases. All i have to worry about is my delivery cases which i presume will be completed really soon.

We had 4 cases that night TAHBSO (Total removal of the uterus, fallopian tube and ovary), Ex-Lap with Hepatoraphy (Exploration of the abdominal cavity with repair of the liver), 2 Cesarean Sections. Our last night was really exhausting. If you had 4 major cases in row in a graveyard shift we must be really lucky!

Going to our duty in the Emergency Room as i have said in my recent post our duty for the whole week was in graveyard shift. Which i am very thankful of and I guess you already why. I was assigned accompanied by Rochellyn in the Internal Medicine Section. Our first day was really toxic or in other words very busy! As we passed the Emergency Room hallway I saw an old man lying in the stretcher with a nurse using an ambu bag to support his breathing. After getting our paraphernalias we proceed immediately to our respected areas. As we arrived in the Internal Medicine section the relatives of the old man which I was talking about earlier were already crying. The doctor said that the old man was already dead even before he was brought to the hospital. To my surprise! It was my first time to seen a dead patient. I don't know how I would react. I can still recall when I was a child I was really afraid of coffins. When my grandfather died I didn't even had a glimpse at his corpse because I' am afraid that he will haunt me in my dreams. Going back to the scenario, we were ask to do the post-mortem care (care for the dead). I told Rochellyn that it was my first time and she told me that it was her 3rd time cleaning a corpse. I was really afraid! While we were cleaning the corpse I was really shaking. I told Rochellyn "Roch, pwede bang ikaw nalang muna ang maglinis kasi natatakot talaga ako! pasensya na!". She answered with a Yes! To my relief!

As i arrived in my dorm I had flashbacks. I saw the old man again lying in the stretcher. I wasn't able to sleep because whenever i close my eyes I can see him. I prayed a lot! I was able to sleep and when I woke up he never entered my mind again. Thank God!

The next 2 days of my duty was not that busy compared to our first day! We again had DOA (dead on arrival). It was a 4 months old baby girl. The doctor also declared that the patient was already more than 1 hour dead. This time I had the courage to had a long glimpse at the patient. I felt really said because she was too young to die. The parents of the patient are really on denial. They can't believe that their daughter suddenly died idiopathically or of unknown cause. God bless the souls of the patients who died during our rotation.

The long exhausting duty week is over! I can now go home and rest!

Graveyard shift, UAAP..

2008-09-01T02:03:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. Since our shift is 11-7 we started our duty last night.. oh.. How I hate graveyard shifts.. You have to stay awake and wait for emergency cases.. Elective cases are normally done in the morning.. There are few cases sometimes we end up with nothing..

Luckily, last night we had one! It was exlap (exploratory laparatomy) with colonectomy (repair of the colon) .. A guy was stabbed in his upper left quadrant, injuring his intestine and colon.. the operation took about 3 hours or less.. I was very sleepy.. I was assigned as the circulating nurse.. My feet are aching because i stood there very long waiting for the spongecount to be finished.. After the operation i sat done, i fell asleep i woke up when i was about to fell from the chair i was sitting on.. It was 2 o'clock in the morning.. "4 hours nalang.." i said to myself..

As i arrived in my dorm i changed into my clothes and washed my scrubsuit.. i was very sleepy, i wasn't able to sleep immediately because the temperature was very hot.. my god!! It's starting to dim again..

Hai, i have to go fix my things and prepare for duty again.. i hope this week ends fast.. I am very excited to watch the ateneo-dlsu match on saturday.. even if i only get to watch it on the television.. Hopefully i'll get the chance to watch them live on the finals.. i hope ateneo wins this years championship..